If i come over, it means nothing
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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