At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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