Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
