i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My breasts were aching with rage.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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