enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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