when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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