1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
