I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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