just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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