apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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