i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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