clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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