Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
