Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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