You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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