I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
