i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
