those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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