I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
