I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Success! We fucked roommates!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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