i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
