I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
