somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
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I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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