She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
