I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
