Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
