are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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