i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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