My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
NoShamevember. You game?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
