i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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