Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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