I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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