I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
