oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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