i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
