did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
