Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
