don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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