Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
