I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
