She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
