my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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