she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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