Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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