Jerry, you need to find god
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
