remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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