I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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