just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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