they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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