I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
