is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My ass is underappreciated
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
