singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
