So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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