How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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