I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
