got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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