I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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