Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
