This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
