It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
