I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
